I grew up fearing God’s disappointment. Not His wrath. Not a lightning bolt from Heaven. Disappointment.
Somewhere I started to believe that unless I checked all the boxes, God was shaking His head in disappointment. And the weight of that was immeasurable.
I spent years striving- to be a good Christian, wife, daughter, sister, friend. That time isn’t wasted, but I wish I could have it back. To rest in Him and enjoy my life more. To throw away the good Christian list and see the beauty all around me.
Instead I spent a lot of time begging Him for answers and a very specific plan. Because if I could just know what He wanted from me, I could do it and be ok with Him. A spiritual report card of sorts.
“What do you want from me?” my soul screamed.
And then one day, I heard a speaker say, “God isn’t disappointed in you. When He looks at you, He sees Jesus.” And tears filled my eyes. No one had ever said that to me before. It’s a crucial part of the Gospel, and I’d missed it all along.
God is not disappointed in you.
I’ve been wrestling with that for quite a while now, repeating that truth to myself when it didn’t feel true. Not feeling like a disappointment to the God who created me has changed how I interact with Him and the world.
I recently started a devotional by Jennie Allen called Made for This. At the end of each day, there are two questions in response to the Scripture reading.
Who are you, Lord?
What do you want from me?
When I read the second question, it was like taking a deep breath. I never realized I’d been crying out, “What do you want from me?” until I saw the alternative.
“What do you want for me?”
What if He isn’t giving us a checklist in order to earn His approval? What if He is actually setting us up for the very best things? And when we learn who He is first, we get to ask what He wants for us.
Hello, freedom. It’s very nice to meet you.
What would be different if you truly believed God wasn’t shaking his head in disappointment? How would the big and small moments of your life change?