“I want to be the kind of person who is at peace when life is crazy. And I want other people to feel more at peace when they’re with me, you know? You’re that kind of person.”
A new friend said that to me recently, and my humbled response was this:
“First of all, thank you. Please know that it’s easier to be that here with you than at home. Second, it wasn’t free.”
I always wanted to be one of those women who didn’t question God when things got hard. I wanted to go with the flow and trust Him no matter what.
I am not one of those women.
I question. I doubt. I let Him have it as needed. As I need to, I should say. I’m quite certain He doesn’t need to hear my limitless words about His decisions.
But the peace I have now, the peace that allows me to breathe deeply in the midst of a swirling storm, is because I have questioned. Because I have shouted and cried and said things to Him my 20-year-old self would never have allowed to surface. Through all of my wrestling, He has been there.
When one of my children is anxious, sometimes they need me to hold their hand or sit on their bed with them and talk. But sometimes, they are so enveloped by fear that they can’t reason or be logical. The “what if’s” are drowning any confidence I’m trying to lend them. So I take their face gently into my hands and look into their eyes and softly speak Truth to them, about who they are and whose they are.
In the same way, God has heard my fears and doubts and confusion. He doesn’t always give me answers, but He takes my face into His hands and gently speaks the Truth about who, and whose, I am. And He never lets me fall. Fail? Yes. Hurt? Yes. Fall? Not a single time. He has me, and He’s proven that over and over.
And it’s in that repeated proof of His faithfulness that I can have peace. Not only for myself and my family but for others as well.
I needed to question to figure out what I really believed.
I needed to doubt to see if my faith was really mine or just inherited.
I needed to scream and cry to see that I wasn’t too much for Him.
For some, the peace that passes all understanding is free. They receive it when they start following Jesus and are able to live in it from the beginning. For me, and maybe you, it was earned. Not because God required that, but because that’s the only way I could truly let go of my grip, open my hands, and receive it.